February 23, 2012

We Are Penn State

“There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience.” French ProverbIntegrity from Dictionary
“Character is much easier kept than recovered.” Thomas Paine

Did these Penn State events that unfolded last week make you aware of your humanness? Do you now think more of integrity? Much as we said “We are all New Yorkers” at the time of 9-11, it seems true that “We (too) are Penn State!”  We all have a heightened awareness of integrity and of the necessity that our children must be protected. We know winning is that important!

Some of the winners we make into icons. Paterno, Rose, Tiger, Ali, Armstrong, Sweetness, Marion, Magic, OJ, Kobe, Knight, ARod — the list goes on to be much longer. These and others have been on pedestals only to fall, as pieces of their lives have been revealed to us.
In our minds, we have this idealistic picture,  an image of what we want them to be. We lift them up and believe they are more than athletes or coaches.
NBA star Charles Barkley once pointed out that it is up to parents and family to be primary role models, not sports figures. Don’t we agree with that simple statement? It is a guarantee that some of the current icons will also fall and remind us their integrity is not as we imagined. It seems to happen frequently.  We make it about home runs and yards gained, often forgetting sportsmanship and honesty. It is fair for athletes to be role models but important to remember that family and friends need to be primary in that status.
It’s important to remember we never know who those icons are — not really. We are Penn State.
We are up if our team wins; down if it loses. We project grand meaning on victory and and may be depressed with defeat. We buy team gear often with a player’s name on the back; we attend, watch and listen to all that talk; money flows to the teams and the media.  Big time college coaches are paid princely fees, more than Nobel Prize winning professors and more than their so called boss, the president of the university.
At times, it seems people believe if their team wins, they are somehow a better person and, yes, better than someone who supports a losing team. People have been injured inside and outside of stadiums because they wore the wrong hat. Professional athletes often make huge amounts of money; even as we now know, they are not necessarily good role models (see Kobe and A Rod). Though athletes may do significant good, as Armstrong has, we can’t be sure of their broader behavior or of their integrity. They are just humans.
Competition is part of our culture. Of course we want to win. We must however be careful of this desire to win doesn’t include uses the tools of cheating, of looking other way, of protecting bad behavior, of protecting the institution — all in the name of winning. Penn State is not the first, nor will it be the last, to disappoint in the name of victory. We are Penn State.
We want the winners and the icons. JoPa was an icon to many. Yet how can some of those same followers explain that six years ago they wanted to fire him. They were losing and the football team seemed to regress. Fickle aren’t we? We are Penn State.
Iconic coaches routinely walk out of lengthy contracts, breaking their word to the college, to the players, accepting a better deal elsewhere. Then this same iconic word breaker is, in fact, welcomed with open arms to the new school and demonized at the old.
The next school and fans rationalize the coach’s integrity. Promises are made again and sometimes the same coach repeats the behavior, for the next better deal.  What does this tell our students, our society about the place of trust and honesty? Winning at any (moral) cost is too often the norm. We are Penn State.
Hours of talk radio, listening to analysis of the sport of the moment. Do we put too much on to winning?
How bad is it? The lead story on Monday morning is typically a poll asking us: “who is the best team?”  People vote; people call in with blather; media jockeys talk endlessly about whether the poll was right or wrong; they give opinions incessantly. Gosh it’s a vote, not a game! We are Penn State.
I say support victory with sportsmanship and integrity. Penn State is now more attuned to this goal. In this way I hope — We are Penn State.
Crisis breeds opportunity. Penn State will likely grow and improve through this event. Is that not the case in life too? We rarely welcome the crisis; yes the growth is always optional. Pick the growth!
Hold Penn State accountable, forgive and allow and let them grow. Help them protect their children as we protect ours.
Root for your team and understand that  sportsmanship and integrity, can and need, to participate fully as teammates.  We are Penn State.
Bill


What is your responsibility if you witness or suspect child abuse?
Indiana’s law (http://www.pcain.org/indiana_laws.asp) says you must report. Some schools, businesses and agencies have rules that say you must talk to your supervisor. That’s ok, but reporting incidents directly to authorities is still your responsibility. A supervisor is twice removed. The supervisor did not see or hear the event but rather hears it. from you. Also a financial part is now included as too often the supervisor wonders if reporting would somehow hurt business (what if the abuser is a best customer).
If you suspect child abuse or neglect report it immediately to: Child protective Services or law enforcement. If something is happening now…call  911. Protect our children.

Civility and Mental Health

 “Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.” Strength to Love by Dr. Martin Luther King

Four recent events remind me of civility and its relationship to our mental health.

  1. A picture of President Barak Obama sent on face book. He’s at his desk in the oval office dressed in Muslim garb with these words “I am not a Muslim.” Was the sender being uncivil, trying for humor or what was the point?
  2. There is the tragedy in Tucson. It is not understandable on so many levels.
  3. The Tucson memorial service where the President spoke.  The invocation, by Carlos Gonzales, was given in the American Indian tradition, rather than the Christian tradition. The invocation included a wider view of spirituality with words that did not exclude anyone. I thought it was beautiful. Listen to the invocation at Freedom’s Lighthouse.
  4.  January 17th, the celebration of the birth of Dr. Martin Luther King.  It was Dr. King that taught non violence . . .  taught that we can be civil as we stand up in disagreement. Dr. King also made it clear that we should stand up for what we believe is right.

In The Measures of Man, King said “Man is man because he is free to operate within the framework of his destiny. He is free to deliberate, to make decisions, and to choose between alternatives. He is distinguished from animals by his freedom to do evil or to do good, and to walk the high road of beauty or tread the low road of ugly degeneracy.”

Certainly Dr. King spoke in terms broader than Mental Health. Still the fact remains, hatred and mean spiritedness is unhealthy for both giver and receiver. How can we use this freedom that King speaks of, in a healthy way that respects and benefits all? How can we stop and use our ability to deliberate and choose so that we walk the high road?  How can we understand that being civil to each other is also being civil to ourselves?

At the same time, understand that when we disagree peacefully, respectfully it is in service of both parties’ mental health. In fact, it seems most respectful to speak our opinions, to give others the opportunity to understand those opinions are and to presuppose they are up to the points of view. We expect others to choose the high road but is it not up to each of us individually to start the process, not wait on it?

Take this time to reflect and consider what you stand for and what you want to say. Yet consider also fully understanding other points of view. Can you include the possibility for different points of view, even as you consider yourself right?

We shall overcome some day.”

Bill

Listen My Children…

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Stephen R. Covey, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

“Listening looks easy, but it’s not simple. Every head is a world.” Cuban Proverb

 

Listening can connect you with the speaker. How do you listen? With one ear, while thinking about your next words, eyes darting around a room?  Or do you look at the speaker, with actions of nods and verbal expressions that show understanding and appreciation for what is being said?

As I finish grading papers for a graduate level Social Work class, made up of young and not so young adults wanting to become professional Social Workers, I am reminded of the power of listening. The class, The Professional Social Worker, focuses on learning specific skills of deep and accurate listening. These skills challenge the desire to interrupt, interpret or advise.  

During practice lab, students rotate through the roles of practitioner, client and observer to increase listening ability. These basic listening skill are designed to understand, to focus, and to a lesser extent move towards a solution.

During the role play, the practitioner practices listening, the client talks of a real problem, and the observer gives feedback on attending skills used.  The essence of the effort for the practitioner is to reflect in a way that the client is likely to feel understood.  I observed eye contact, head nodding and heard reflections of feeling, reflections of content and questions for clarification, often starting with “what I hear you saying is ..?”    

Through the weeks, all practitioners showed progress in growth   of skills. More interesting was that many “clients” also improved. This process of being a client, of being heard, for 10-15 minutes for several weeks helped. The sessions, for some,provided a safe place for personal understanding, professional growth, and individual focus including reporting back on how they were doing.

Listening to understand is a powerful foundation for change and for enhancing relationships. Couples often seek therapy saying “we don’t communicate”. Typically that means listening is infrequent.

As families join together during this holiday season, review your listening skills. Try listening to understand; it can be powerful for you and loved ones. 

Bill